Should you tell your child they are Autistic? If so, when and how?

I think it is a very personal decision whether to tell your child they are Autistic and when the best time is. Every child is different and so is every family. But I believe knowledge is power and the more you know about yourself the better you can navigate through life. 

When my older children were diagnosed as Autistic, I was devastated. Completely heartbroken. But when I was diagnosed I was happy and started to learn that autism is not a disorder but a different neurotype. We need to change how we view being Autistic so that it's not such awful news to give someone. Yes, being Autistic has it's challenges (some monumental) and it can be heartbreaking seeing your child struggle in life. But if the world can see Autistic people as just humans like everyone else but with a different brain type. Then we can work towards changing society to include all equally then it's not such devastating news. I know change is extremely difficult and can take a very long time but it would be totally worth it.

I was 38 years old when I was diagnosed and I was so relieved and happy to get my diagnosis. It made so much sense to me and helped me understand who I am and why I think/feel the way I do. It was liberating and lifted a huge weight off of me! I could stop desperately trying to fit in because I was never built to fit in. I am different and I now I know why. 

I think every person deserves to know who they are and reasons behind their thinking and feelings. Children are no different. They do question life and question why things happen, so having as much knowledge about themselves can be a really positive thing. As parents we try to treat our kids the same but in our house our oldest son needs different expectations and consequences because he also has a learning disability. Our middle son often asked us why his big brother didn't have to do some of the things he had to. So, we decided to tell him is older brother is Autistic and has a learning disability. We also decided that if he asked if he was Autistic too we would be completely honest and say yes. And the curious child that he is, asked the question, "Am I Autistic too?". Our son was 7 years old when we told him. I don't regret it, I believe my son has learned to express his feelings more effectively because he has learned what it means to be Autistic. Also, we were concerned that he would learn he is Autistic from someone else by accident and we didn't want that. It hasn't all been plain sailing, there have been times when he would be upset about being different. But whether he had a label for it or not wasn't the problem. The fact he is different is what can be challenging in this neurotypical world we live in. 

So, I told my son at 7 years old because he was asking questions and trying to understand life. Maybe your child might be older or younger when you feel you can have that conversation with them. You know your child best and know if they could handle this conversation.  I would say good indicators that they are ready to hear this news are:

1. When they start asking questions about why they feel the way they do

2. Noticing they are differerent to other children their age

3. When they feel upset about not managing certain tasks or activities

When I told my middle son I was Autistic too, he found it reassuring that he wasn't alone and that we saw and felt the world in a similar way. He feels I understand him and that gives him great comfort. I feel the same way when I spend time with other Autistic adults. I absolutely love it! All my life I've dreamed of fitting in but never have fully. However, I have that now. I am part of an amazing charity that supports Autistic women in Scotland. It is called Scottish Women's Autistic Network (SWAN). I think giving children a chance to find like minded people can be a really positive experience.

When you are telling your child they are Autistic remember to give a balanced view with the positives and the challenges of being Autistic. Reinforce being Autistic doesn't mean less than or not being good enough, it means they are different but a valuable member of society. Tell your child it's OK to be different, that it helps make our world more colourful and exciting. Remind them they are not alone and that there is a huge Autistic community out there waiting for them to join. Work towards helping your child find their Autistic pride by highlighting the strengths of Autistic people and discussing famous Autistic people that have made an impact in the world. Check out the FREE downloadable poster of famous Autistic people in the School Resources section.

There are resources that can help with telling your child they are Autistic including books, YouTube videos and websites. Here are some resources that might help:

YouTube video about being Autistic. Click the red link below.

A YouTube video of an explanation of being Autistic for children based on the book 'A Different Kind of Brilliant'. Click the red link below.

Neurobears is a fantastic resource that teaches children what it means to be Autistic and how to be proud of who they are.

A list of people in the public eye that are Autistic from Leicester Partnership NHS Trust.